Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
