Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
