last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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