i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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