They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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