Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
