So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
