she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
