She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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