I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
