you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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