Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
