I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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