he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
