i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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