Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
this beer tastes like vomit already
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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