She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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