he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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