if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
