wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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