I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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