I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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