When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
