If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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