My liver just broke up with me...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
