I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
