Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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