i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
