I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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