i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
