I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize