So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
