Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
