my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
