In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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