dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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