dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
