i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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