Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
