The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
