Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
