You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
