I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
