The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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