The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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