i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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