peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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