I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think I sprained my soul last night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
