If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
