The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
