good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
