great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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