If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
