i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
