I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
