remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Enjoy the penises
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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