I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
